every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
