Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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