i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
