I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Randomize
