By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
