It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
