My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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