If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
