If that was your dad, he is hot
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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