So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
