i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
