He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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