If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
