Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My friends, they love my intelligence
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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