i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
