So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
