Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
