May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
