oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
