So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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