When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
