she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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