it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
