I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
