you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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