She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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