Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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