You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
