It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
