i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
