I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
