i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
