i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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