There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
