i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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