the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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