My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
