Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
