Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
