dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
