dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
