You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
