so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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