I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
