So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
