Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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