She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
