He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
