you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's blow job season.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
