i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
